Actions speak louder than words

I wanted to write a post that could help people understand. Help people who want to help the ones they care about or love but don’t know how to. The one thing that these two types of people have in common is they both feel helpless. The one who is suffering feels helpless to describe how they are feeling. The person who is trying to help feels helpless because they just don’t understand what the other person is going through. I feel if I can explain my personal story than others will be able to relate, and the ones who don’t know how to help might feel more at ease of how to connect with the person more.

What I’m referring to is affecting 18% of the population, which is about 40 million adults. What i’m about to share is not easy to share, nor is it taken seriously by everyone. This is a mental illness-Anxiety. Now if you go and google anxiety it will lead you to depression, and other disorders associated with anxiety. Someone who suffers from anxiety does not suffer from all of those other disorders. Don’t get me wrong they can, but everyone is different because they all have a different story of how they have gained this illness, and how they deal with it. I personally do not associate it as an illness.

Anxiety does not make everyone awkward:

For myself, I’m an extrovert. I am very outgoing, and love being social. You can put me in a room full of people at a party and I would make a whole bunch of new friends. Just because you have anxiety doesn’t make you socially awkward. There might be times that you are in a middle of a really big crowd like a concert, and you start to feel anxious and feel the need to remove yourself from the situation for a little bit.

For myself, when I start to feel anxious in a big crowd I feel dizzy, I can’t breathe, and I need to sit down. Only on occasion may that might happen. The best thing for me is to just walk away or just be quiet. Don’t think something is wrong or I’m not enjoying myself. I am still having the time of my life, and i’m enjoying the atmosphere, but sometimes it becomes too much. So when this happens, don’t ask me what’s wrong, don’t take it personally if I walk away from you, just accept that it is best for me to do. You don’t have to leave the person if they walk away, most times they feel better just having someone by their side and not needing to say anything. So just sit there as support, and that will mean more to them than you trying to figure out what’s the right thing to say.

Your biggest enemy is your own self:

You get frustrated with yourself because you don’t understand why you are worrying so much. I am the most optimistic person when it comes to everything. I always see the positive out of anything negative. I want to help others with their problems before I help myself. I never get angry, and I know how to deal with stress. The one thing I cannot control mentally is my worrying. Someone with anxiety worries ten times more than someone without it. The type of things that people with anxiety worry about are all completely different.  What I personally worry about is my health, the future, and my experiences from the past into the present that have started this whole cause for me. Worrying personally I think is one of the worst causes in relation to anxiety.  When I’m worrying it makes me feel anxious, I feel shaky, I can barely breathe, and I’m trying to avoid a panic attack. The best thing you can do is be that balance for that person. Let them know that it will be okay and everything will work out. Even though we might know that, sometimes we mentally can’t control our worrying even though we know it will be okay in the end.

The worst thing for us to overcome:

The one thing that I hate to do, and most people might agree with anxiety is talking about how we feel. I tend to keep all of my emotions in and not let anyone know how I’m feeling. I can on the outside look like the happiest person in the world and act happy, but inside i’m the complete opposite. I don’t like to talk to people about how I feel because it makes me feel more anxious, and all of my emotions and worries that I have kept in for years is the last thing I want to let out to someone in one conversation. Don’t get frustrated at us if we don’t want to talk to you about something serious, or let you know how we are feeling. We are people with many layers. It takes me a long time to let my guard down because I feel people will judge. Some people with anxiety might not show affection as much, or be as verbal to serious conversations, but that doesn’t mean we won’t wanna talk eventually. We just have layers, so it takes us longer to open up, and it takes us longer to trust someone to hear how we feel. Be patient with us, and let us open up when we feel it’s the right time to do so. We feel that you don’t understand why we take longer to share something with you, so we avoid hard conversations all together. The more understandable you are, the less questions you ask us, and the more you open up and wait for us to, we will feel more comfortable to be more vulnerable with you. That doesn’t mean when we get frustrated with you or seem aggravated we are annoyed by you. We love you as much as you love us, but we might not how to show it like you do.

Life is hard:

Life is hard for everyone, and we realize we aren’t the only ones with problems. The difference is we might not know how to physically or mentally deal with it. The more you understand us and the more you accept that you will never feel the way we do, the easier it will be for you to connect and understand more.

To sum it up for myself:

What I experience in life no one will ever understand and I will never want to talk about it. I might tell you most of my story, but never the whole thing. Because that’s not who I am, I have not understood yet how to open up with one person because no one has shown me they understand or is willing to just keep it between us. I cry sometimes for no reason, I sometimes would rather be by myself than with others, and I won’t tell you how I’m truly feeling. Overall I am the happiest person, but thankful understanding person I can be. Confusing right? Anxiety is something that you can try your hardest to explain to someone, but they really won’t understand because they aren’t experiencing it. If you can understand us then that’s all that matters. If you can love and accept that person for who they are, then that’s it, simple as that.

The reason not to judge someone until you know them, because you never know what they have been through, what they are going through, and why they act the way they act.

Learn to accept, accept to love, and love everyone because then life would be a better place to live.


It takes a certain person, time, and place

Today I’ve decided to come to a downtown area because it’s eighty degrees out and beautiful. I wanted to come down here to just enjoy the day, and be able to clear my thoughts. This place that I have come to is filled with families walking around the river, people sitting in the grass with their babies, and people at the beach swimming and enjoying the weather. I truly never realized what our world has come to until I sit here in the grass by myself, and look around at all of these people.

Every single person that I have looked at is on his or her phone, and not being social with each other. A family of four all sitting side by side with each other has not said one word, instead looks down intrigued with what is on their phones. You wonder what they are doing, who are they talking to, and what’s so important that they are missing what is around them. They are missing so much that is going around them, so much energy and excitement. Since I am one to not be on my phone I have experienced a lot just in the past half an hour. I have seen an old aged woman with her walker and her middle-aged daughter walking together enjoying the beautiful day. I’ve noticed a young couple with the girl on her phone talking to someone, and the boyfriend just texting walking around irritated because they are not communicating and enjoying one another’s company. Then I see a young couple sitting under a shaded tree, enjoying the atmosphere around them. Then I’ve noticed in all how many people no matter what they are doing decided to come down here and enjoy the day. Took the time to get outside and be able to relax for however long they have.

It’d be nice if people interacted with strangers, get to know someone they don’t know. You never know, it could make a whole world of a difference in their eyes. Maybe that person came down here to get away from a problem, to relief stress from work, or enjoy one last day before going back to school. What I’m really trying to get at is don’t let those beautiful moments pass you by. Don’t be afraid to get outside of your comfort zone and meet someone new. Live life everyday remembering that it’s something special and you should take advantage of every breath you are given, every step you are able to walk, and every conversation you can take advantage of. Because one day, one minute, one second, all of that can be taken away from you, and then you look at yesterday and wish you could’ve changed it all.

Why quitting my full time job was the best decision i’ve so far made.

Before I start this post, I want to give a little background of myself. As I start to post more about my life, I want my readers to be able to connect with me and relate as much as possible. I am a twenty-three year old full time college student that lives in the suburbs of Chicago. I went to a public high school, and in my graduating class there was about 1,000 plus kids I graduated with. Growing up I did not have the best family situation, and no I was never handed anything I wanted in life- I worked hard for it. One week after turning sixteen I started my very first job as a sales associate in retail. After seven long years in the retail world, I finally gave up. My first job was at Pacific Sunwear, I worked there for four years. I decided to leave that job because I was approached by a store manager to come check out their company and work for them. The best decision was leaving that job and becoming a manager at American Eagle. I left Pacific Sunwear as a keyholder and started American Eagle as a keyholder. Within three years of being at American Eagle I was promoted to a store manager. Now keep in mind I am still in college all of this time as a full time student.

School vs. Job..

There were times that I just wanted to quit, quit it all. I could not find a balance for myself when I was working forty hours a week with only one weekend off a month, and being able to keep up with school and managing good grades. For some reason I had this intent that I would bust my ass off at my job because I was getting paid for it, and school was whatever because for some reason I did not feel a reward at the end of the day putting hours of studying and class time in. So my job started to take over and school slowly started to slip out of my control. Dropping classes, failing classes, going on academic probation.. I couldn’t manage both.

My own sanity vs sacrifice…

Many people don’t understand how hard retail is, especially managing it. It was getting to the point where I was losing my mind, losing a social life, and most importantly losing my perception on life. Time was slipping away from me and there was no way of controlling it. All of my friends started to graduate college, and I was here still in community college with a full time job. What I started to realize was since i’ve been sixteen I was working a JOB-not a career. Now don’t get me wrong, this experience will get me so far after college, and I am so thankful for the endless opportunities, but it’s far more than that. It was time for me to make a difference because everything in life that I wanted to do and figure out in my twenties slowly seemed to be impossible to reach.

Life is too short and i’ve never been so damn happy…

I am a firm believer in living every day like it’s your last. I started to realize that life is more than clocking in for eight hours, clocking out, and then the next day doing it all over again. There’s a difference of getting to that place where you are clocking in to do what you love, and then to clock in to get paid hourly. I realized I was clocking in to just get paid. Putting in my two weeks was the hardest thing I ever had to do because the company was awesome and so good to me, but it just wasn’t enough. I quit my full time job in the beginning of July and I finally understand what it’s like not work late nights, being able to actually enjoy your weekends, and doing things that you have had on your “to do” list since six months ago.

Being so young I realized you shouldn’t have to work to live. Yes, of course I need an income, but not as important as getting through school. Not as important as accomplishing the littlest things like cleaning out your closet, washing your car, going to the gym in the middle of the day. I have gained sanity back because I have been able to do things for me. I wanted to figure out what I exactly need and want in life before life slips away from my hands, before I have a chance to grab it. I shouldn’t have to just get by in school because i’m working full time. I shouldn’t have to miss out on going out with my friends and those memories because i’m a store manager at twenty three years old. Not even being a manager, just anyone my age working forty plus hours a week. This is the time in life where everyone should figure out themselves before you can make others happy. Make sure you are happy with yourself before taking any next chapter in your life. Make sure you have a job that you are in love with. Make sure you still have time for YOURSELF. Because if you don’t, then what is the main thing you’re living for? Live for life, live for love, life for happiness. Don’t live for money, don’t live to please others, and don’t live thinking you will have tomorrow to change it. Change it now, because if you don’t that is going to turn into days, weeks, months, and maybe even years for you to realize and regret that you should’ve changed it when you first realized a problem. For me, I should’ve changed it three years ago.


Being a tourist in my own city

I can proudly say that I was born and raised in the suburbs right out from Chicago. No- I am not saying I was born and raised in Chicago. Although I can say I consider myself a city girl. I have the whole trendsetting urban look going, with the middle finger up in the sky driving thing down. Usually going to the city at least a few times a week. Everytime I drive to the city I am smiling. It doesn’t get better than rolling down your windows, blasting your music, and slowly having the city arising in your view up ahead. Once I enter the city, every time, i’m in complete ah.

You have all of the buildings surrounding you, nothing can beat that view. You see people walking the streets with their ear buds in, business suits on, yet everyone in the city seems to be so happy, so content. Walking down the street you feel as if you know these people, but it’s just because we all share one thing in common, the love for this city. The runners you see along lake shore enjoying the weather every chance they can get, and of course seeing the beach filled in the summer time is always exciting to see. The vibe in the city just brushes off on you, and for some reason everything seems so possible. I become more optimistic than ever before about being able accomplish anything I put my mind to. Why is it, that all I need is a beautiful city with endless views to give me such a widespread of determination?

Every time I drive into the city I take a picture of the skyline of buildings, on lake shore I take a picture of the trump tower in between all the buildings across from the bridge, and the lake with the beautiful sky above it. Everyone driving around me probably thinks it’s the first time seeing Chicago, and I’m a tourist trying to capture every inch of it. No matter how many times I drive to Chicago, it will never get old and I will never get sick of it. I can never take enough pictures, and I can never experience enough. Everytime is a different feeling, experience, reaction, and dedication to this city. It’s a home away from a home; and for what it’s worth, I am a tourist in my own city doing tourist things with Chicago being the closest city to my heart, and the furthest thing from being anything but my home.

Don’t be “basic”

Every day I wake up and I ask myself, what is today going to bring me that makes yesterday any different? The past couple of months I really have been questioning my capabilities in life. Am I truly living life to the fullest, am I settling for less, or what do I need to gain in my life to make me realize I can strive for more? Being twenty-two with a mid-life crisis is certainly not what I’m going through; hell I haven’t even lived old enough to experience that yet. But who is to say that having that “crisis” is suppose to happen when you have your life together, and all the sudden realize you weren’t able to accomplish everything you put on your bucket list? That is saying you have lived your whole life settling because you were too comfortable, and you didn’t hit your highest potential to happiness; that highest potential to living.

Well for me, I don’t want to wait until I’m in my mid fifties realizing that I have regretted half of the decisions I have made in life because I took the easy way out. So yes, I am having a young life crisis which I think is the best possible thing that could happen right now being this age. Having that moment realizing that your time is now, to be able to make sure you accomplish everything you want to do, can be the turn for your life. Just because you get married doesn’t mean you have to settle for a mediocre career that isn’t anything that you ever wanted to do. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you have to only take vacations to Wisconsin Dells and pretend like you’re having the time of your life. No one said you have a guaranteed a full life to be able to accomplish everything you want to do before it’s over. You’re not suppose to wait to turn a certain age to do the so called “age appropriate” things you want to do.

This “crisis” is the opportunity to take that so called bucket list you have written down that you say you are going to do, but twenty years later only have crossed off one thing because it just happened to come across in your life. If you are in a relationship or married don’t be that couple who is too comfortable in life. This is the time to push each other to your highest potential of happiness and experience it with each other or what individually makes you who you are. If you are single, this is your time to figure yourself out. Go out there, express yourself, take chances of doing something you would of never thought twice to do. Be that person that has the inspiration to inspire yourself. You can’t inspire others, you can’t love others, you can’t be happy until you are happy, and in love with yourself first.

Once you have crossed that line of realizing you can do more than just wake up and think of it being just “another day”, that will be the day that you realize it is going to be first day of everyday, being a new day, with different opportunities.

The butterfly effect.

Everyday is a busy day, no matter if you have an early start to get to work and you’re running late impatiently sitting in traffic, or while you’re last minute studying for an exam you have right before you walk to class. Suddenly through your busy day something stops you. It stops you for one minute, and you forget about it all. You see this butterfly that suddenly you cross paths with in this slow motion of fast movement. Then you realize this delicate little butterfly is so simple and free flowing, and you don’t ever want to see it disappear. It makes your world stop instantly, and it seems to be the only thing that matters in that moment of time. You realize you never want to stop having that lightweight feeling of happiness, and effortless feeling of love towards that butterfly. You go on with your life and forget about that butterfly, and never will cross paths with it again.

Once again you have this busy life you’re living, on the go every single second of the day. So determined to accomplish what you have already had the mind set of doing before you have hit your second snooze button on your alarm. Daily routines you work into your school, work, and somewhat of a personal life you try to live. This time something different stops you. This thing that has stopped you in your pathway of accomplishing your normal routines, but it isn’t something that you want to pass you by. You’re intrigued because this thing that just stopped you in your motion, is the only thing you see in your world. It’s like time has stopped in this very moment to let you know that this thing is not just going to fly pass you and you can just go on with your day. This thing you just came across is this one person. This one person has now crossed paths with you, and you’re realizing that you’re starting to get this feeling in your stomach we call butterflies.

This feeling that you’re getting in your stomach that is making you feel so confused and crazy yet you want to feel more. You realize that this person you are getting to know, letting in your path, making you stop your day to day routines, and make you slow down time before time passes you is not going away. This person didn’t just disappear in front of your eyes like that butterfly did. The feeling you’re getting every time you see this person is so simple, and so delicate yet making you feel so vulnerable to keep wanting more.

Getting that butterfly feeling every time you see that person, think about that person, or talk about that person is the most beautiful thing you can ever feel. Those are the butterflies you never want to lose, and want to feel every single time. When you realize that you never have felt them in the past before, you suddenly feel that light weight feeling of happiness, and effortless feeling of love. You’re not sure if it’s love or if it’s just this feeling where you can’t get yourself to be open with this person and feel comfortable.

If you feel the butterflies every single time even weeks, months, or years with that person, you have gained something. You have gained the most powerful yet delicate feeling you can ever experience towards another person. It’s not that you’re uncomfortable and can’t open up, it’s that you have finally found the one. You have found the one before you even knew it. Before you knew this was the last first day of meeting that person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Those butterflies are never going away, and that person isn’t either.

Life is the most complicated simple thing every person will experience. Hopefully you can experience the two butterfly effects once in your life, that’s all you need. If you do get to experience both, don’t let them pass you by. Stop your day for the butterfly that flies by you, and appreciate how beautiful life can be. Then stop for that person, and accept and appreciate that person who wants to experience how beautiful life can be together.

Help yourself before you help others

It takes one minute to think a million thoughts; it takes years to change for a lifetime. Change as in, freeing yourself to be who you are, to show you that what you have been doing everyday, every year, every time, has lead up to something so great. Something so powerful that not even you can understand, no one can understand. There are those times for everyone where they have this moment. This moment of a set back, knowing that everything has lead up to finding yourself, who you’re suppose to be. Everything around you suddenly doesn’t exist.

It’s like the world took you and spun you around, wrapped you around in your own world to make you realize that your time is now. Now is never, and never is impossible to overcome. Overcome the state of mind that has you so secreted in this mindset of thinking that everything around you, owns you, controls you. Takes your ability to make you see the never ending days of a revolving routine of abuse. Abuse to the time that you have been given from this world that has you spinning in all different directions. The time that slips away from your hands, before you even have the chance to grab it. Time is inevitable, time is unreal, but the reality that comes out of time is life. Your own life to do anything you want to do, overcome any situation thrown at you. No one said it would be easy; the world can’t let you walk on it like it’s not there.

If you can realize, and accept that time will never be in your hands, time is an imaginative feeling that gives you false hope that you can wait another day, another hour, another minute to find yourself. If you accept that, then your time is now. You will always have the desire to change the forbidden thoughts that are eating away at your soul, but wait on the “right” day to change that feeling. The hope your mind is giving you, and the chances you think you will take but never do. What is there to lose? Who said it was ever okay to live in a world full of hate, and despair. Live in a plan, a state of mind that everybody lives by. This sequence of events, that people base time off of, to feel safe and not have to question the actual span of time. Living day by day, just accepting that it’s okay to think it might change. Every single person thinks the world will change, but if everyone thinks someone is going to make the difference to change it for the better, then in the end there is no one to change it.

Every person matters, including you. If you didn’t matter then no one would matter, there wouldn’t be a world to live in. A world to make you think and question, what is making you spin around and around in the same direction, without giving you a path to follow. The only way you can make the world stop from spinning is to grab it, and bring it to the palm of your hand, and realize you control the world. You are the one that makes the change, to live every minute in motion, and defeat the feeling of what if, regret, and sorrow.

What you could have done, will never be gained, what you should have done will always be questioned. What you do now determines your faith of finding out who you are going to be for the rest of your life. Before the world picks it’s self up from the palm of your hand, and starts spinning again except without you, because your time has ran out. Learn to live, live to love, and love to learn who you are, and what you can accomplish for yourself from now until forever. Because time isn’t in the palm of your hand, the world is.